Burned Out

Burnout is a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed and unable to meet constant demands. As the stress continues, you begin to lose the interest or motivation that led you to take on a certain role in the first place. Burnout reduces your productivity and saps your energy, leaving you feeling increasingly helpless, hopeless, cynical, and resentful. Eventually, you may feel like you have nothing more to give. Most of us have days when we feel bored, overloaded, or unappreciated; when the dozen balls we keep in the air aren’t noticed, let alone rewarded; when dragging ourselves out of bed requires the determination of Hercules. If you feel like this most of the time, however, you may be flirting with burnout.

I am sure most people were expecting a post about Leona Divide or my Miwok race recap. That is not what this is. It has taken me awhile to digest the last few days. To be perfectly honest I have been struggling since September of 2012. I think at times I am so happy, and love my life so much that I write off sheer exhaustion and burnout like its not happening. I guess in many ways I just kept ignoring and ignoring it. Racing with poor results, and pushing through when all I have wanted to do the last year is take a break from the sport. If you were to ask Jesse how many times I have sad that in the last year he would probably say 12-15. I have stated to him many times over the last eight months that I want to take a few months off, and just take a step back from it all. Unfortunately the very next thing I do is sign up for a race. Its like a never ending cycle that I have committed to finally fix, and put a stop to. 

I am incredibly healthy. I am by no means trying to sound like an ass, but honestly I am one of the most healthy friggin people I know. I do not eat processed foods really at all. I am obsessed with words Like Kale, Raw Cocoa, Raw Coconut Oil, Mung beans, and Avocados. I cook everything from scratch, and digest every seed and green powder you can buy at Whole Foods. I honestly up until last month had not been six in 5+ years. I; so i thought, was the in the purest form a health nut. This past April I got incredibly sick. Like in bed for almost two weeks sick. This was just after racing Old Goats 50 mile, and then in the first few stages of this sickness I went to Oregon for a week long Patagonia trip. I got back, stayed very sick for another entire two weeks all the while working my ass off to put on the inaugural Griffith Park Trail Marathon. Two weeks later I put on the Leona Divide. This by numbers mind you is one of the larger Ultra's in the country. Prior to all of this in February I put on the Ray Miller 50 mile 50k, and yep this one is a large race too with 350 runners. Through all of this I had been training allot. Like massive amounts of miles, and mind you I mark all my own race courses myself. My job is incredibly exhausting and physical to say the least.  Are you tired yet? I finished this all up with going up to Miwok 100k this weekend. When we went to check in on race morning and they announced it was only going to be a 60k not a 100k due to high fire dangers I was actually happy. It was 4am and they said to come back at 8am. I didn't even care. I was perfectly ok with that. 

I had found out the day before that my beautiful Ray Miller course that I had worked on for years creating had been thoroughly burned by the Camarillo fire. Mentally after hours of crying I rallied, and boarded a place to San Francisco. My heart was a mess, and ached terribly. 

My gut told me not to go. Why did i then? Because i had committed to share a very expensive house with other friends, and was worried about the obligation. Myself, my mental state, and sheer exhaustion were put to side for 350$ dollars. My lord where were my priorities? Clearly not with myself, and what was in the best interest of me. I made it through the shortened course and took my time enjoying the day the best I could and even ate Popsicle's at aid stations!  You would not believe it! Very yummy Popsicle's, and what an amazing course! It really was so beautiful. I am glad I took it all in, and spent the day chatting with so many friends.

The interesting thing is that this was one of many races this last 1o months where things just didn't feel right. I have now had 4 or 5 races like this in the past year. Races in which I thought I was in pretty good shape and then when I tried to run fast (i.e. race) I felt slow and weak. It's not a fun place to be. No one ever wants to be in a position where they feel like they can't run anywhere near as fast as they could 12  months previous. More and more I have begun to feel this in my training also. I seem to have plenty of energy and endurance, but my muscles just seem to be weak, slow, and slow to recover.

OK so moving on from Miwok I have made the decision to work on fully getting my Mojo back. I have pulled out of Bighorn 100, and I simply am not going to start running or racing again until I feel like doing so. It might only end up being a few weeks, and that's perfectly OK with me. I am tuning off of face book for awhile, and making a commitment to only check my email once in the early am, and then again at night just once.  I guess in a way I am checking out. I am going to go camping in Yosemite, Three Rivers, Oregon, Idyllwild, and spend every weekend hiking until I feel like running again. I am going to volunteer allot at tons of upcoming events so I can give back, and see all my amazing friends. I am also gonna go up to Mt.Baldy at least twice a week. I am going to yoga allot, and cleaning up my nutrition a bit. With all the races I have put on in the last few months, and traveling my health has for the first time in 10 years fallen to the side. I simply will not let this happen. I pride myself on looking and feeling amazing, and nothing is gonna get in the way of that. Period. 

So luckily for me I am my own boss. I have worked tirelessly the last eight months so I can now check out a bit and work on this whole Burn out ordeal. As for now I have no desire to toe the line competitively at any race, and have not really since last July. Not good, and have to fix this. You only live once, and I refuse to live my life not exactly the way I want it. 

As for Ray Miller myself and my awesome team will have an alternate course. We will figure out an amazing "B" option for a few years, and when the time is right and nature is ready we will bring back the original Ray Miller 50 mile 50k course. For now my heart aches everyday for those beloved trails. My heart aches for my dear friend Howard who serves on the Santa Monica Mountains council, and spends most of his free time on those trails. The Camarillo fire is a tragedy to say the least, but I do see a small light shining through(Thank you Jimmy Dean). Hope is all I have ever had. As a little girl it was all I had to survive so I am most certainly not going to give up now. Always hope for the best. That's just the only way I know how to survive. Life is so awesome, and we are so lucky to be here. I refuse to not be living it the way I wanna live it. 

On, On, On my friends. LIfe no matter what will always go on, and we must never loose hope!! Time to get some rest for me..... 

Mini Old Goats recap....

My WOLF

I've learned that you can't invest your whole life into pleasing a person who is not yourself, and you can't sacrifice so much that you compromise doing what you love. When two people are happily traveling their own journey and just happen to be moving in the same direction-maybe thats love. Struggling and anxiously working to make a relationship work is perhaps not love at all, but wasted effort. Like running with your arms flailing and waving around. Useless.
 ~Vanessa Runs from her book "The Summit Seeker"



On March 23rd I raced Old Goats 50 Mile. It was my fourth time running this race, and I finally have to say I think it was my last. I love this race, and I sincerely love the race director Steve Harvey. Its an incredibly well organized event with ample amounts of love invested into it. You can see it in every race Steve does, and I simply cannot say good enough stuff about this awesome man, and his great events. I myself  have had just about enough punishment from the Old Goats course, and I gladly look forward to volunteering next year. Jesse and I both raced Old Goats this year(see pic above of him on course) and he crushed it. He came in second behind his fellow wolf Chris Price, and Chris also crushed it. Like absolutely demolished it. He broke his own course record by I believe 7 or 8 minutes(not sure of exact time), and he probably could have ran faster. I do know he was racing smart, and wanted to save some for the second half. I am 100% sure he can run a sub 7 on this course. He is a beast!! 

I had a kind of decent day, and managed to finish within a few hours of the boys. I believe I ended up 14th overall?, and first female. Not my best day out on the trails by any means, and my slowest time ever on that course by allot- minus the first year of the race when it was two miles longer. To be perfectly honest I was a bit of a disaster the entire day, and was pretty darn glad when it was all over! 

I had some mishaps on race morning that were totally unnecessary and could have easily been avoided. In a nutshell I needed up with none of my usual Carbo-Pro for the first 24 miles, no gels from miles 11-24, and going off course for a few miles. It honestly just seemed like it was one of those days. What could go wrong went wrong, and I did my best to stay positive, and not let it break me. My bonus mileage added 35 minutes to my regular split time of the first 21 miles on that course!! I was just a mess by the time I arrived into the Blue Jay aid station... mile 21 for everyone else..mile 23? for me. The pics below explained the state I was in mentally on the course and at the finish. I have no idea why I was actually walking into the Trabuco aid station. Geesh! Run Keira its a race!   

At the finish with Steve Harvey, and a million clips in my hair? Don't ask.  

Just strolling along?? Ugh!


The race did turn around for me though at mile 30 when I finally caught and passed Maggie. She was having GI issues, and told me she would wait at the next aid station at the top to make sure she was ok to go on. I was worried as she recently had kidney issues at Brazil 135, and I love Maggie with all my heart. Maggie is so tuff.  I admire Maggie so much. I gave her a quick hug, and kept powering up Holy Jim. I was able to pass seven men on this climb, and it really did bring life back into my step. I made it to the top of Trabuco, and was so happy to see Deborah Acosta!! I love Deb, and she gave me some kind words, and then pushed me to get outta her aid station. Giddy up!! I powered my inner Kate Freeman, and told myself if I wanted off this course I was gonna have to work for, and run!  So thats exactly what I did. I ran decently fast down Main Divide, and eventually I caught up with Peter Cross at some point, and we chatted away for miles. He is a stronger runner than me, and was running almost everything at this point. I was so impressed. We laughed how all we could keep down was Coca Cola, and were chugging it at every aid station along to the finish. Funny cause I honestly have not had soda in almost six years. It saved my ass that day!! I humbly have to say something. I hardly ever stop at aid stations. Its in and out in a flash. This was not the case last weekend. I spent 15 mins at aid stations in the last 22 miles of this course drinking soda, and doing god knows what. I was just not myself, and a total disaster.

I was so excited to cross the finish line!! What a gnarly, rugged, and tough course this is. It really is the toughest 50 mile course I have ever done. Its just relentless, and for the first time I realized what its like to survive that course when you are having a bad day. Man what a difference from my previous years on the course. I was thrilled when Steve gave me a copy of Vanessa's new book "The Summit Seeker" for my award. I have read this book twice since I got it, and highly recommend it! Its amazing! I also got an awesome travelers coffee mug(thank you Steve), and a bunch of other cool swag. You rock Steve!!

I am so proud of Jesse for having such a great day on that course. He is so amazing, and I know he was really stoked to get in such an awesome day out there. I cannot imagine my life without him, and having someone to share all this with! We celebrated Saturday night by going out to dinner with Dad and Mom (Jesse's parents) and then Sunday we even managed to get up and go for a little run/hike in Griffith Park. Awesome!

I leave tomorrow to go to Oregon for the week for a team trip with Patagonia. Very excited. So excited. I cannot even wait!! It will be hard to be apart from Jesse for the week, but both him and Tyler can manage without me. I am a little worried what they will eat, but thank god for Chipotle! Yes I proudly cook everything for them, and have no problem admitting that. Next to running I LOVE to cook, and spoil my man like the king he is! ;o)

As soon as I get back it will be my next event(and brand new!) the Griffith Park Trail Marathon. This event sold out as fast as we got the website up, and I cannot what for Saturday April 13th to arrive!! Giddy up!

I raced in my Patagonia Women's Fore Runner Evo's, and  I love them. They are the perfect shoe for my feet. Not to much of a shoe, somewhat minimal, but plenty of support and cushion for gnarly trails. They are now my go to shoe of choice whenever I hit the trails. LOVE them!!!

On,on,on with life my friends, and have an awesome week! 

Removing Negative Labels

It is simply impossible to achieve anything without belief in oneself. You must truly put aside all doubt, and really visualize what you want, where you will be, and picture yourself doing that. Its sometimes can be a bit easier said than done, but for the most part if you can do this for 85% of your life then you are on the right path. Life is incredibly hard at times. So much so that I too doubt myself many times over. What I have learned to do though is hit the delete button quickly following any of those negative thoughts. I also through the years have learned to not accept what anyone else says about me. Not everyone is going to agree with me or like me. I am perfectly ok with that. Its not to say that at times it does not bother me, but in order to find your best self, and your true extraordinary person inside you must not ever listen to what others tell you that you can or can't do. No one is n charge of your destiny or life but you. Period. If you think you are ordinary then an ordinary life you will lead. I only accept that I am extraordinary, and its that kind of life I now have. Do not ever sell yourself short. Do not ever let anyone take away your value. People can call you all kinds of different things, but you are not what people call you. You are only what YOU answer to. Answer only to people who see your greatness, and speak greatness about you. 

I recently had someone tell me my downhill running skills were ranked at a 7 out of 10. Funny because I believe that one of my greatest skills is fast technical downhill running. It sat in my mind for a few weeks, and for whatever reason I just could not shake it. The more I focused on it the more it almost started to seep into my brain. I then did a training run in the mountains last weekend with some of the fast boys, and at my casual downhill running pace hung tight with Dom as we blasted for eight solid miles on the trails. He would pick up, and I would push. He would push, and I pushed harder. I love Dom so much because he is crazy fast, and the whole time just chatted away with me, and kept me company. The key thing here is this. I was halfway into a long mountain training run. My legs were tired, but I was able to do what I do best. Crush the downhills. We finished the run, and when we got in the car I mentioned to Jesse how one of our friends had scored me on my downhill running skills, and it had been really getting to me. He looked at me and was shocked I let this person get to me. We laughed about the comment, and then moved on with our day. That night I simply decided to delete that comment in my mind. I literally visualized myself hitting a small button that read the word "Delete", and then picture it over and over again. After about 10 minutes the thought was gone from my mind. I woke up the next day with the intent to do my 12 mile speed workout run on some steep trails. I decided I would push harder than I ever had ran downhill, and as I did it I once again visualized the delete button getting rid of that thought. I had the best run of my life, and on a pretty tuff and technical trail I was hitting 6:05's and 6:10's all downhill. I refuse ever again to accept anything anyone says about me that does not fit into my life. This technique of hitting the delete button is something I plan on practicing in my life whenever needed. It works, and I am glad I read about it. I will only answer to people who have nice things to say. Simple as that. 

This entire month as a whole has been very interesting on the emotional front for me. I have learned three very important things this month, and in the last few weekends on my training runs I have only fallen more in love with Jesse. Our relationship has grown stronger than ever before in the last two months, and life never seems to fall short of reminding me how glad I am that it has turned out the way it has. 

1. Like gravity, karma is so basic we often don't even notice it. Karma will never escape you. You can run and run, but you cannot escape it. We all mess up in life. We all make mistakes. What is key is you must take responsibility for the actions, face what you have done, and simply apologize where necessary. Being a coward will never do you any good. Plus it kind of makes you look like an idiot. Always take a hold of your actions, and own them. Face what is hard to face, and make right with people you have wronged. Your life will never be right if you don't do so. You will always be in dodge of your past, and living in that place. Who wants to live in the past? Let it go, and own it, and watch your life change. 

2. Honesty and communication in a relationship is its key foundation. This was key for me to learn. It does not mean in my past relationships I was going around lying about everything, but I just did not understand the importance of being 100% honest 100% of the time when it comes to matters of the heart. Jesse and I communicate about everything. He tends to be a more private person so I don't want to go to into detail about our personal stuff, but lets just say we always talk about things. We never hide anything from each other, and we most certainly never lie about where we are going, who we are with, and what makes us happy. We truly love each other, and have a healthy relationship(a first for me!) so that means we are both in this together. We enjoy the same activities, and we do whatever it takes to make each other happy. If one of us is not getting what we need from the other we talk about it. We discuss. We always communicate, and we NEVER hide anything from each other. I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I had to do so. Unfortunately I had been years back, and it just sucked. No sugar coating at all. I was so unhappy, and it wasn't until I got out of that relationship, and into the right one that I could see that. Its hard at times because I spent nine years of my life I will never get back in that position, but I can only bless the past, and move forward for a better future. Sometimes we settle out of fear, and eventually our lives just pass by. 


3. Count your blessings, and the do a "recount".  I have found this quote key to repeat as a daily mantra in my life. I try to always remind myself of all the blessings I have, and then I just write them down, and say them out loud. I recount all that is great in my life, and try very hard to realize how lucky I really am. I do have incredible luck. Jesse points it out all the time. Like crazy good luck. I also have a million blessings to be thankful for everyday. Sometimes my list will be so long I run out of room on my paper. No matter how stressed I am or who bad things can get I always count my blessings that I have two working legs. I have two working arms. I have a working vehicle. I have great leadership skills. These are kind of the basic stuff. It gets really exciting when I start counting the big stuff. A beautiful gorgeous successful man that is madly in love with me. My running abilities. An awesome son who is healthy and smart. The more I dig the more I can come up with, and by the end of this practice I am beaming with excitement over my blessings. It helps keep me on track, and also stay motivated. The more happy you are with your life the more motivated you will be to go after your goals and dreams. Its just how it is. 


I am very excited for Old Goats 50 mile this weekend. I will make no race predictions. My talent will speak for itself this weekend, and I look forward to giving 100% of all my heart and soul on that mountain on Saturday. I cannot wait. A supported long run in the mountains all day with good competition. Who wouldn't want that? I do have my eyes set on a few boys that I intend to bury. Other than that we will see how it goes. Lets not forget anything can happen. Its 50 miles in the mountains in higher temps on incredibly technical trails with almost 14,000 feet of climbing. Who knows what the day will hold. My lord I could end up barely making the cut offs. In the end I hope to just finish, and after count my blessings that I am able to participate in such a tuff sport. Really that's all that matters right? 

On,On,On my friends. Have an amazing weekend out on the trails!!!